A Nod To The Wince: An Open Letter To Jill Scott
A reader of my recent Huffington Post piece on racism (Loudly Against the Language of Racism) forwarded me an interesting article from Essence.com written by uber-talented singer/actress Jill Scott on the topic of interracial relationships and her particular response to them. A “wince.” 
That was her innate, honest reaction to seeing her black male friend with a white woman…a wince. Read the article…it’s an interesting one.
The man who sent me the piece included some accompanying links of responses to it – particularly a segment of The View in which Jill’s “wince” was discussed, as well as a CNN.com article on Attorney General Eric Holder’s discussion of the topic of race and how we as Americans deal – or don’t – with honest conversation about it: “…if we’re going to ever make progress, we have to have the guts. We have to have the determination to be honest with each other,” he said. I agree. And when the gentleman who sent me Jill’s article expressed an interest in my own response given the mission statement of my Huff Post article, I was so moved to give him one. It’s a conversation, I believe, that merits any amount of honest dialogue it can get. So…
Hey there, Jill.
I admire your courage in talking about your “wince.” As someone in a comment to this debate said, “It’s not PC to feel the wince, but I do.” It’s honest, that admission, and it’s human. And as the human I am, probably everything I’m going to say here is un-PC. Not intentionally, but whenever any of us step into the discussion of race and how our two particular groups interact it’s almost impossible not to start a fire! I’ve already been told by one person that I’m “not invited” to this conversation; that your words were meant only for black women and I’m not only not invited to engage in the discussion, there’s no possible way I could ever understand any part of it. Fair enough, that’s her viewpoint. But I disagree. As a woman (white, yes, I admit!:), as someone with immediate family members and close friends in mixed race relationships, as someone who’s experienced a long-term relationship with a black man in the past, is a member of this American culture and a human being, I not only think I’m allowed in this conversation, I think I should be there. We should all be there: those wincing, those causing the wince and those trying to understand it.
Reading your article as the white woman I am, a line in particular stood out to me: “As slavery died for the greater good of America, and the movement for equality sputtered to life, the White woman was on the cover of every American magazine. She was the dazzling jewel on every movie screen, the glory of every commercial and television show. She was unequivocally the standard of beauty for this country, firmly unattainable to anyone not of her race.“
Can I say this to you? That stunning white woman on the cover of every magazine? The star of every movie? The centerpiece of every TV show, fashion campaign, cosmetic launch and pop band? She’s unattainable to most of the women of her race! She’s held up as an impossible, anxiety-producing standard to little girls and young women of every race and damn if she isn’t a bitch to live up to! As — you gotta admit — is Halle Berry, Alicia Keyes, Tyra Banks, Paula Patton, Sanaa Lathan, Lauryn Hill, Kerry Washington, and so on; all those gorgeous women of color who are as successful, desired, and unattainable as that symbolic “white woman” vaunted to the stratospheric heights.
You’re framing this through the prism of race and the long, aching history of racism; understandable. I think one can also look at it through the prism of cultural demands and impossible standards, particularly of beauty. Whatever color that beauty comes in. All the women of color I mentioned above? They’re significantly more successful and desired than most women I know, including most white women I know. Why? Because they’re black? No. Because they’re talented, accomplished and stunningly beautiful. And, odds are, their being beautiful proved certain sway to their success, as it did for the iconic White Women.
Before you have any reaction to that equation, let me honestly ask: how many phenomenally talented people – women in particular, women of any color – do we all know who are not beautiful and have found that perceived lack to be a barrier to their success, both personally and professionally? Many. Lots. Even 
crusty old Simon Cowell made snarky reference to the phenomenon when he dissed the new talent show The Voice by saying “it was silly to do a show that prized talent over appearance since the music industry relies so heavily on appearance.” Yep, there it is.
And why is that? Because we are a culture besotted with beauty. We’ve always been, every culture is, but we’ve elevated that one particular virtue to the top of the heap and there’s no turning back. Bette Davis, Joan Crawford and Myrna Loy wouldn’t have stood a chance by today’s beauty standards. In fact, we’ve now created a subspecies of celebrity built unabashedly on looks alone, no particular talent required: the Kardashians, Paris Hilton, Lauren Conrad, Bethenny Frankel, ad nauseum — reality megastars all noted specifically for their looks and body parts, what’s talent got to do with it?
My point? Beauty is a trophy, a great arbiter, on many a cultural topic, including interracial relationships. I would hazard a guess, Jill, that the white woman your handsome, successful, African American man was married to was drop-dead – or at least marginally – gorgeous. I really bet I’m right on that…it may not be true in every case but it certainly is in many. For men of all colors, the gorgeous woman at his side is a sure sign of status and success and that’s a paradigm that confounds and negates a whole lot of women who don’t meet that standard, black or white.
Look, I understand there’s a deep historical and racial component to this very sensitive issue. The reactions and resistance to mixed relationships in this country are long and storied on both sides of the racial divide. You may be shaking your head, thinking there are nuances to this that I, as a white woman, could never possibly understand and you’d be right. We each have our own background and ethnic DNA that informs our responses to life. There may well be preferences, fascinations and compulsions within your community or mine that I’m not acknowledging; we all saw Spike Lee’s Jungle Fever (which, as a white woman who’d chosen to be with a black man because I loved him and he me, I personally found cringingly myopic), but for anyone to presume an interracial relationship is predominantly based on a white woman’s “fever” or a black man’s dismissal or rejection of his own race seems cynical, limited at the very least. It may be the criteria for some, surely; for others it’s simply about who they fell in love with, whose path they crossed, whose personality and chemistry clicked with theirs, color aside. I know you know that.
I can’t compare my experience growing up in America to yours, Jill, but in my experience, and based on what I’ve observed, barriers and obstacles are put up in unique and sometimes subtle ways for many of us. I can’t speak for white men – they still seem to have a leg up in many areas of life (though as we become more ethnically diverse they probably have their own complaints!) – but I can enumerate a few humbling particulars that might offer perspective from at least this white woman’s point of view. Not necessarily for comparison’s sake, more to draw connections and parallels that might illustrate at least some commonality of emotional experience:
I grew up as a cyclically chubby, occasionally cute, but only moderately attractive white chick of Greek, Irish and German heritage in a tiny farm town in Illinois that was decidedly unhip and certainly not glamorous (the town, that is, not me…though the description fits both!). I stumbled upon my creative abilities somewhat by accident, leading me to decide I should set the world on fire, and so I moved to Los Angeles the moment I had the wherewithal, the opportunity, and a car good enough to get me there. Once in this magical land of dreams I embarked upon my certain destiny with optimism and absolute faith. The responses to all this enthusiasm?
You’re not pretty enough.
You’re too fat.
Where are your cheek bones?
You’re not well put-together.
No, I meant the girl behind you.
You’re good but not that good.
You’re a tweenie: not gorgeous but not ugly.
You can sing but Stevie/Marvin/Sergio wants black back-up singers.
You’re not special.
Let me know when you’ve got another song, CD, screenplay, novel…face.
Where’s the hit song on this?
Shitty first draft, I thought you’d hit it out of the park.
Maybe dye your hair brown and go for character parts?
I bet you were hot in the ’80s!
You’re no Madonna/Whitney/Sheryl/ (fill in the blank).
I think Melissa Etheridge stole your career.
I like you; I just go for hotter chicks.
Too bad…now you’re too old.
And so on. Seriously. And when it came to handsome, successful, and seemingly wealthy men of any race, creed or color? Yep…they typically passed right over girls like me for that gorgeous, unattainable woman who looked just like the ones on the covers of those magazines you mention. And sometimes that woman was black.
But as one testy commenter on an earlier post of this article said, “This isn’t about YOU, Lorraine!” I do know that. So what does this litany of experience have to do with your “wince”? Just that I get your point. I get your “wince.” I’m not diminishing the unique and painful realities of the black experience but I can at least understand that sense of being overlooked, rejected, not on the radar, disregarded for one deeply felt reason or another. (Frankly, sometimes it’s more a sucker punch than a wince!) We can find some commonality of experience, I believe; at least enough to help us examine this thing.
I ask you to consider another perspective. You are a profoundly talented, beautiful woman who’s been lucky and/or blessed enough to have found a stellar level of professional and personal success that many people have not. I’ve had some of my own luck, enough to have found a loving partner (who happens to be white) and whatever degree of success I’ve managed to wrangle so far. But many people I know have not. Many people you know have not. Frankly, love is a battlefield, as Pat would say. So when you, as an African American woman, see a desirable black man with a white woman, could you consider the honest particulars of that relationship you’re viewing in present time, rather than through the historical filter you so eloquently described? Can the “wince” impulse be checked, enough that, over time, you could actually not feel it? I don’t know, maybe that’s simplifies it all too much.
From another angle, you could consider that there are many woman out there, white or otherwise, struggling to find the exact same things you and your sisters of color are looking for: love, security, success, personal fulfillment, a sense of pride, physical attractiveness, a community and a partner who makes you feel valued and respected. It seems to me those things we want challenge, elude or confound us all in varying ways, degrees and combinations, regardless of our race. And when people find the answers to those desires, whatever color they come in, we can, perhaps, nod in communal solidarity for a goal well and happily achieved and leave presumptions and old pains on the shelf to slowly and decisively fade away.
Seems like a good thought, at least something to aspire to. I wanted to share it with you, for whatever it’s worth.
Your fan…LDW
photo courtesy of Counter Culture Beauty
Photo credits:
Jill Scott @ www.essence.com
Aphrodite image, artist unknown
Jungle Fever poster @ www.imdb.com
Performance photo courtesy of Lorraine Devon Wilke
Group of women @ www.counterculturebeauty.com
July 27th, 2011 at 7:56 am
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LDW Reply:
July 27th, 2011 at 1:12 pm
Thanks for the mention on your site. Always happy to reach across the pond to new readers! LDW
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July 23rd, 2011 at 8:44 am
I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was great. We have mixed race relationships in my family and it has taken a few of my relatives a long while to learn to accept and not judge. And that’s on both sides! You made some really good points that I don’t think too many other people think about. We all are who we are, regardless of color. I don’t know who you are but certainly you’re going to a famous blogger if you are not already ;) Cheers!
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LDW Reply:
July 23rd, 2011 at 8:48 pm
Thanks, SGermaine! I think the situation in your family is true for many, the main point being that it might take time, but if we all get past our initial reactions, our knee-jerk resistances, we might learn to view people and relationships without the filter of race, creed, color or sexual orientation. I agree, we all are who we are and when who we are loves someone of another color, it’s still love, isn’t it? Thanks for your comments; I really appreciate them! LDW
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June 24th, 2011 at 8:47 pm
Pride, one thing people have to have some amount of, whether or not many of us feel we do. Jill Scott has a lot of pride and that is a good thing. So long as we are human the ego brain of many of us regard pride as the part of us that is going to stand out. I get her wince. Its about pride.
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LDW Reply:
June 25th, 2011 at 4:59 pm
I agree, Yessenia. It’s about pride and pride is essential. I just hope we can get beyond pride as a dividing line. Clearly we’re not there yet, on any side of this debate, but I believe we have to be willing to see all the many sides of the story to fully understand and accept how time, changing ideas, cultural evolution and simply human interaction has changed the meaning of interracial relationships. I believe it has. If it still elicits the “wince,” we’ve got a ways to go, but that pride you speak of will hopefully compel continued thought and wider acceptance over time. Thanks for your thoughts. LDW
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June 22nd, 2011 at 4:19 pm
Way awesome, some intriguing points! I appreciate you making these thoughts online, cause we all know this is a subject that definately gets people worked up. The rest of the site is also well done.
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LDW Reply:
June 25th, 2011 at 4:47 pm
Yep, it does! But figure the only way to keep us all evolving is to keep talking about the issues that divide us. Thanks for the appreciation and for the comments on the site…I appreciate both! LDW
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June 22nd, 2011 at 6:51 am
I cannot thank you enough for the blog. Such an important conversation. I hope people are listening. Really looking forward to read more. Really Great.
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LDW Reply:
June 25th, 2011 at 4:44 pm
Thanks, Deanna. It is important, I agree. As for who’s listening; I think talking about it, writing about it, even arguing about it is what we an all do. The listening will, hopefully, follow. Thanks for throwing in your own perspective. I appreciate it. LDW
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June 17th, 2011 at 12:26 pm
I don’t care how the others who commented here are feeling about your article – I still think you said some good things. Sometimes people forget we’re all human beings no matte r what color.
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LDW Reply:
June 17th, 2011 at 5:17 pm
You’re right, Kady, we are.
I think people are still struggling to figure this one out. It’s a process, this evolving thing. And this topic comes from a long and hard history that’s tough to shake off. I get it. I’d just like to see us get past it, enough to at least be willing to listen to one another with open eyes, ears and hearts.
Thanks for your comment. LDW
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June 14th, 2011 at 11:12 pm
I bet there were some people who felt like it wasm’t really your place to talk about this. It’s a black thing. Maybe it is, but when are we going to get past that? I thought you made some good points. We should all be able to love and be with whoever we actually love.
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LDW Reply:
June 15th, 2011 at 5:36 am
Colleen: Thanks for the comment. You’re right, some people did express to me a sense that I was out of my territory but I maintain this issue is more universal than it appears on the surface. It’s about acceptance, letting go of the past, listening to the other side, opening our minds to not only our differences but our commonalities. I realize that’s not always easy to do, especially when we’re talking about racial issues and racial politics. But we have to…we have to keep talking in hopes that shared dialogue will ultimately bridge the gaps. I’ll keep talking…it’s what I do. So I appreciate the listen. LDW
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June 5th, 2011 at 12:12 am
We all just gotta leave each other alone to love the people we love. I’m sorry Jill winces and I know that women everywhere are judged for all sorts of things especially their looks. But it’s nobodys business who people fall in love with or who they want to be with. No rules says we have to stay with our own on any side. We got to evolve peoplle.
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LDW Reply:
June 5th, 2011 at 5:29 am
I’m with you on evolving. Can’t ever get enough of that! Thanks for the comment. LDW
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June 4th, 2011 at 11:44 pm
I think it’s interesting the comparison you make. I think some people will always say there’s no way anyone can know unless they’ve been there, but I get what your saying. Personally I think men are more judgmental about what a woman looks like than what race they are. That’s been my experience. But bottomline, I think it’s sort of sad that we can’t just accept that the heart wants what the heart wants, like Whoopi said. I get the wince too but it’s too bad. Very interesting article and you do make some quite valid points.
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LDW Reply:
June 5th, 2011 at 5:25 am
Thanks, Shantel. I think that line – the heart wants what the heart wants – is true on many levels but I do understand the nuances of this debate from a historical perspective. Like you, though, I wish we could get beyond judging any human interaction based on color, religion, ethnicity or anything other than heart and soul. Certainly progress has been made, that’s evident, but we’ve got a long way to go. The conversation, the debate, the honest exchange of ideas about it seem to me to be the way to move things forward, however slowly. Thanks for taking the time to stop by and leave a comment…I appreciate it! LDW
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June 3rd, 2011 at 5:45 am
I love your ability to speak boldly of your mind, and not hedge from your truth. It shines. Great post, Lorraine!
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LDW Reply:
June 4th, 2011 at 3:31 am
I guess I’ve come to the point where there IS no point if you’re not speaking your truth, push-back be damned. My goal is always to connect, reach across some divide to find common ground, which is either welcomed or not, but it’s what I gotta do! I always appreciate your feedback, Jennifer. Thanks for taking the time…LDW
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May 27th, 2011 at 3:08 am
Nowadays it seems like everybody feels comfortable enough to talk about sensitive subjects on their minds. Used to be we kept things to ourselves or at least indoors, but there are no secrets anymore. I enjoyed your essay but I’m not sure how I feel about it all. I understand how Miss Jill Scott feels and I also understand your points. Truth be told we are all human beings no matter what color we are. We have to come together to find out what keeps us apart, my father used to say and if nothing else I think between the two of you there is some coming together. Now it would be so nice to stop feeling like we must always be so far apart. Thank you for talking about it. I did find it interesting.
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LDW Reply:
May 27th, 2011 at 6:40 am
Altoma. I love that line from your father: “we have to come together to find out what keeps us apart.” Beautiful. He must be a very wise man! It is a confusing subject, I’ll grant you that. For some it’s more than confusing, it’s upsetting. And to others, very private. I understand your point about keeping things to yourself but I guess I’ve always felt it was better to talk about the things that bother us than not. Hopefully the more we all make our attempts, however faulty or imperfect, the more we’ll be able to understand about each other. I hope so…and I’ll surely keep trying! Thank you for reading and taking the time to leave a comment. I really appreciate it. LDW
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May 25th, 2011 at 2:51 pm
I really like your article. We have mixed relationships in our family and it’s been hard to see the different reactions on both sides of the family. I hope people stop judging each other based on race or anything other than who they are as a person. I try to do that and it’s not always easy when people want to see the differences more than what’s similar between us all. I thought your article said some good things about that.
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LDW Reply:
May 25th, 2011 at 10:46 pm
Appreciate it, Karra. I have mixed relationships in my family too but we’ve been blessed with very open-hearted, open-minded people on both sides and that’s gone a long way toward keeping our family whole and attached to each other. I agree with you that who someone is at heart will always trump other characteristics, including race, creed, color, orientation, whatever. Creating greater understanding and allowing love and honor to have more to do with a relationship than anything else is important to me, too. It’s a difficult conversation for some, for others it’s essential. I’m one of those. Hopefully if we all keep talking honestly and humbly to each other, learning and gaining understanding of our individual experiences, we can move further past these divides. I hope so. Thank you for your comment and best to you and your family. LDW
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May 25th, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Now this is a topic that will probably rattle some feathers! There is a world of history that plays into this and you’re right to say you might not have the inside track on how some of that gets to people. But the idea of trying to talk more honestly with each other and see how we have our own struggles to deal with is a fair one. Personally for me I want to get past this point to a color-blind world but it’s a long way to go, I guess. But I did appreciate your article, which seem sincere..
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LDW Reply:
May 25th, 2011 at 10:35 pm
Thanks, Despina. I am sincere if nothing else! :) Yes, feathers have been rattled, discussions/debates/arguments/flame-throwing has been had and the article has only been up for a day! But it’s worth the emotions if anyone, someone, finds a way to see more clearly another person’s experience. I’m trying to do that from my end, I hope others can do the same from theirs. I don’t know if or when we’ll ever get past the historical heat and the rigid opinions held by those who don’t necessarily want to bridge the gaps, but if enough of us try on all ends of the conversation, we may stumble, say the wrong things, say the right things, make headway, step back, connect, disconnect and connect again, but we’ll at least be talking about things that matter. I hope we all keep talking, despite the heat. I can’t see any other way to get past the separations of our history and cultural divides. Thanks for reading and stopping by to leave a comment. I really appreciate it! LDW
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May 25th, 2011 at 3:34 am
It’s funny to me that even as open as social media appear, some people would rather post videos of themselves blotto over a toilet or text pix of their sexual bits than enter into thoughtful conversation about those things that make us complex and hopefully evolving. Is writing about race or sexual orientation or feminist perspectives really such a third rail that some would have us avoid it rather than explore it?
I would appreciate someone frankly calling me on bs if I said something they found insensitive or ignorant. That should open a discussion about, as you suggest, how various backgrounds and experiences shape us and have shaped our country. It is only through these type of tough and delicate discussions that we grow in understanding.
I came from a similarly sheltered (read: primarily white) background and went off to college, rather naively figuring I could make friends with anyone. I was taken aback by what I perceived as angry eyes from black women if I was talking to a black man. Perhaps it was too soon after the steps taken in civil rights for anything but general distrust. Perhaps it was because in a small college, there was an even smaller pool of black students. In the end, I came to realize that at that time black women felt they had the least amount of choices and the hardest hills to climb and their perceived limited prospects extended to choice of men.
I didn’t like it, but attempted to understand it. That should not be where things end, but where they begin. It takes successful experiences and relationships to positively change and expand one’s vision and view. Thanks for tackling these issues – it is so important if we all truly want to be free in our lives.
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LDW Reply:
May 25th, 2011 at 7:19 am
I think long and hard about these things before I write about them, always wanting to be sure I’m servicing the point without creating more issues by the words. This topic is a hard one because to get past these things we have to talk about them, yet to talk about them is to invite all manner of annoyance and anger that we even dared. I honesty value the disparities in all our various experiences, but maintain that the basic human connection transcends all these things that separate us: ethnicity, religion, race, etc. I get a sense, however, that too many would rather keep those fences high and impenetrable rather than bridge them…seems almost too hard to try. And when you do, some out there will tell you you’re not allowed in the conversation. A woman today told me “the conversation that JILL permitted you to hear, if only you could have respected it, was not and IS NOT about YOU! It is ABOUT and BETWEEN those who once gave their lives for each other no matter what else was taken from them.” See…we’re not even allowed in the conversation in some people’s minds!
But since I don’t agree with that, I’ll keep talking. And writing. And responding. And I’ll look forward to brilliant, thoughtful people like you having something to say in return that expands and deepens the discussion. I’ll even welcome the ones who tell me I have no right to the discussion. It’s all there to be examined and discussed. We just have to have skin thick enough to ward off the heat, and minds and hearts open to those who share the willingness to engage.
Thanks, Cris, as always, for your wisdom and insight. LDW
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May 24th, 2011 at 6:40 pm
The fact that there is a bazillion dollar industry out there based on motivating us to love ourselves, accept ourselves, celebrate our uniqueness, give ourselves self-affirmations, etc., etc. underlines how society is structured to continually emphasize the numerous ways we might find ourselves lacking!
I applaud Jill’s bravery for acknowledging that she experiences the interracial relationship “wince,” distasteful as that might be for some. And I applaud Lorraine’s forthright discussion on that unattainable white woman image the majority of us feel is unachievable, white, black, or otherwise.
Although the two experiences have somewhat different underlying sources (Jill’s from a racial perspective, and Lorraine’s from the unattainable beauty image), sadly, there is a commonality for all of us being constantly fed the message that somehow who we are is “not enough.” We pay lip service to “acceptance and tolerance,” but we are programmed to judge — each other and ourselves — at every level.
The good news is that frank discussions such as those that Jill and Lorraine are addressing illuminate this complex cultural zeitgeist. Let’s keep hacking away at this stuff!
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LDW Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 9:32 pm
Beautifully thoughtful remark, Susan. It’s interesting; there’s already been snarling comments on Facebook decrying the attempt to put any kind of shared perspective on this and yet I truly believe that if we as people, as women, share more of the “winces” we experience from WHATEVER underlying source, we could get closer to understanding each other better.
I loved Eric Holder’s line that I quoted, about how we must enter into the conversation and yet we’re so afraid to do so honestly…and I understand why. There is so much history and sense of separation that we’re almost programmed to react from a place of “this is my pain and you can’t understand it!” and while that may be true on many levels, the point being made is that ANY honest, heartfelt attempt to create empathy about shared emotions (however different the causes) is intended to bridge gaps and engender commonality and camaraderie. The knee-jerk reactions from either side only serve to stoke the disparities and continue to create distance and a lack of connection.
My thesis is that we CAN find commonalities in our experiences as women, of any race. The hope is that through conversation, dialogue, open minds and more honest articles like Jill’s and mine and anyone else’s who wants to enter into the fray, the hurts, “winces,” sorrows and rejections we’ve all gone through as individuals, as members of our respective races, and as people who are part of the human collective, will put it on the table to be viewed and improved.
That’s the point I’m trying to make. Hopefully most will understand my intent, try to keep their knees from jerking, and see if they can’t find something in the conversation that resonates.
Thanks, Susan, for so articulately expressing what resonated with you. LDW
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