Empty Nest Pt. 1: My Very Cool Roommate Is Moving Out…

On By Lorraine Devon WilkeIn Latest Thoughts

motarboard toss

Mortarboards have been thrown, transcripts sent, dorm walls measured, orientation trips planned. All set. Good to go. Congrats on the success, good luck on the next chapter and, wo-hoo, we just couldn’t be prouder. It’s time to let go and launch the kid and all I know is…my very cool roommate is moving out and I’m going to miss him.

There are various Rites of Passage we go through in life: Teething, Puberty, Anxious 30’s, Mid-Life (Crisis or Otherwise), Menopause (male & female), Damn 50’s, Really Old and, finally, Facing Death. They all have capital letters. And each comes with an unwrittenprincipal's award guide that gets us through the shoals with instruction and reassurances that whatever we’re thinking/feeling/experiencing is simply part of that phase, hang on, we’re all going through it, nothing to be afraid of.

For example, no matter what’s going on with a child during the pre-mastication era, no matter what symptoms or behaviors, no worries, it’s “Just Teething.” Fevering madly? Teething. Screaming for dear life? Teething. Eating dirt with enthusiasm? Teething. And Puberty? Every whine-fest, meltdown, door-slam, anxiety-attack, hair-flinging stomp from the kitchen is ascribed to that unavoidable transition from childhood to hormones.  God forbid a real crisis is in bloom, we’re convinced it’s “Just Puberty.” A few decades later we follow with another version of the same…except with the added burden of being closer to Facing Death. That would be Menopause with all its sweaty, mood-swinging confusion.  Of course, there are also the phases of Marriage and Parenthood. Not everyone will go through these but most will, and most who experience Parenthood will ultimately face the classic Rite of Passage known as Empty Nest Syndrome, ENS. Let’s pull that one out of the pack.

JgradIt’s a worthy topic this time of year when yet another fresh batch of graduating 18-year-olds and their beleaguered parents are faced with this unavoidable and monumental transition. It might be instructional to break it down. Because here’s the truth: like all other phases of life, all other Rites of Passage – whether teething, teening, or reluctantly senioring – NONE of it is the same for all of us. No advice, no analysis, no remedy applies unanimously. We’re all going through our own version. Of everything. You may be gleefully booking your cruise for September or planning that first post-child remodel on the house, but I’m not. I’m dealing with the fact that I had a very cool roommate for 18 years and now he’s moving out.  And I’m going to miss him.

This may seem like a weird analogy, perhaps an overly morbid one, but there’s something here akin to how we deal with death. It’s no secret that everyone grieves differently and pretty much everyone struggles with how to talk to grieving folk. When my father died, I was struck by how off-putting I too often found the well-meaning person who’d ask how old he was when he died (72) only to respond, “Well, at least he lived a nice long life.” My thought:  not really. 72 seems a tad young to me. And whatever, I don’t care if he was 97, he was still my father and he’s still dead and I’m still sad. Or when they’d hear he died in his sleep and would say, “Well, at least he died peacefully,” and I’d want to holler, “So what?? He died and I’m really sad and that comment doesn’t make me feel any better!” I learned by subjective experience that the only safe thing to say to a person suffering grief is: “I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.” If you know the deceased, say something personal and authentic like: “Your Dad was a really great guy…I played tennis with him once and liked him a lot.” That sort of thing is always appreciated. Too many people are afraid to actually talk about the person who died and, trust me, the grieving party likes nothing better. But the point is, don’t say anything that smacks of generic, patronizing Guidebook Speak; it doesn’t help.

What, you may be thinking, does any of this have to do with Empty Nest Syndrome? A lot, actually. Because ENS is, quite simply, about loss. And like death and all these other Rites of Passage, it’s completely and utterly unique for each person and requires a certain wisdom in response. May I suggest a few very subjective pointers?

1.  Don’t tell me “It’s his time to fly…you just have to let him go.” I already know that. Don’t insult my intelligence orLighthouse with Dillon imply inordinate neediness on my part by making the point. No one wants him to fly more than I do. Nor is anyone more aware that it’s time to let go. Just say, “Oh, honey, I understand…you’re going to miss him… it’ll get better.” That’s all that’s needed.

2.  Refrain from: “You’ll need to find some new things to focus on, to keep yourself busy and distracted after he leaves.” No, I don’t. I have plenty to do. I was busy and distracted while he was here and I’ve still got all my projects, work, husband, friends, hobbies, household tasks, creative endeavors, etc. He was hardly ever around anyway so it’s not about filling time. It’s just that I’m going to miss him. Ask me how he’s doing in college and come with me to a movie.

dill with headphones 001sm3. Try to avoid: “You’ll be surprised how nice it is when you don’t have to do his laundry or look at his messy room anymore.” That’ll be surprising? I’ve been looking forward to that for years! But, frankly, regardless of dirty clothes or the bomb site that is his room, I’ve always loved knowing he was just down the hall, ready to wake up and make me laugh, help me with my website or talk to me about his girlfriend. If you know me, you’ll understand why I might be found napping on the well-made bed in his empty room every once in a while. Don’t call the shrink… it’s my own form of therapy.

4.  Don’t bother with: “But he’ll come home for breaks and summers, right?” We all know that once the family system embraces the Initial departure, it’s never quite the same as Before They Left. We can’t pretend. We’ve all got to adjust, you can just say it.

5. And PLEASE, do not send articles from Psychology Today that analyze ENS and suggest therapy or herbs or calming pharmaceuticals. I’m not having a breakdown; my kid is just leaving home.

Rachell's cardParenthood is one of the few relationships that comes with a certain planned obsolescence. We go into it fully knowing we’ve got to leap now and let go later. There’s no other such deal in life: we get married and the plan is till death do us part. It doesn’t always work out but that’s the idea… we aren’t typically required to give it up at a preordained time. Same with friends; we make a great friend and there is absolutely no reason to believe we can’t keep them through the dotage years. A loving pet is under our feet and in our beds until the very end.

But a child? We get them only for a while. We know that this one relationship, this special, amazing, unique, and glorious relationship, is going to change and develop and transform every minute of every day and in about 18 years time will naturally evolve away from us in a way that is inevitable and irreversible. It’s the Circle of Life, the Coming of Age, the Passing of the Mantle. It’s perfect and painful at the same time.

But know this: Most of us suffering from ENS need no advice. No drugs, no therapy; no words of wisdom. We know what is happening and we know it must happen. We’re proud of our children, proud of ourselves for our part in their success. We’re excited for the new adventures they’ll embrace and vicariously thrilled by their flight. We’re ready to welcome them back for the moments they’ll briefly return but have no delusion about keeping them forever in their cozy childhood rooms. We’re the ones gently, lovingly, pushing them out the door to their inevitable independence. We’re good parents and we know what we’re supposed to do.

Cambria shore 2006 007

But still…I had a very cool roommate for 18 years and now he’s moving out. I’m really going to miss him.

To read the entire Empty Nest series, click links below:

• Empty Nest Pt 1: My Very Cool Roommate Is Moving Out…
• Empty Nest Pt 2: Empty ‘Next’ Syndrome…Coming Home
• Empty Nest Pt. 3: See You In November!
* Empty Nest Pt. 4: He’s Leaving Home AGAIN… Bye Bye
* Empty Nest Pt. 5: It’s a Wrap… Well, Almost
* Empty Nest Pt. 6: the Final Chapter: With Keys In Hand, He Flies…
* Empty Nest, EPILOGUE: He’s Getting Married in the Morning

All photographs courtesy of Lorraine Devon Wilke 

LDW w glasses

Visit www.lorrainedevonwilke.com for details and links to LDW’s books, music, photography, and articles.

136 thoughts on “Empty Nest Pt. 1: My Very Cool Roommate Is Moving Out…”

  1. CrisC's avatar CrisC

    Audacious and honest — and let’s admit it, there is nothing about ENS that screams “it’s a breeze.” Having an only child seems to make it that more dramatic a separation.

    But, you will find yourself thinking of him in a million ways. You’ll smile when you hear that song that played incessantly from behind his door on the radio – you know, the song that you never quite learned to appreciate and made you think – “Am I becoming like my parents?”

    Your mind will see fleeting glimpses of those Dillon expressions that are alternately you or Pete flashes, but always made his own.

    Time will compress as you simultaneously see the first toothless smile and the fling of the mortarboard.

    Yes, your own interests are pursued, your own time is re-owned and you even learn to maybe understand why a tatoo was an important expression. You know that no one else on earth has a special name for you like “mambo” or can be quite as endearing when confessing to some mischief.

    I guess Jordan helped raise me even as I tried to parent him. Each baby step, each bike ride successful, each broken bone, each song in the school concert, each Cub Scout project, each tear, each grin — they all were markers as I watched the evolution of a person.

    When we miss them, that says “job well done.”

    The good news – anticipation of each visit is marvelous and grandparenting is the best amusement ride for 50 somethings ever.

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    1. Lorraine Devon Wilke's avatar LDW

      Beautiful response, Cris, thank you. And written as only a fellow traveler on this road could write. I’ll take your words to heart, they’re good ones.

      I can see why you had your own blog…you’ve got a way.

      Like

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  3. Aw, this was a really quality post. In theory I’d like to write like this too – taking time and real effort to make a good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and never seem to get something done.

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  4. Lauri's avatar Lauri

    My roommate is leaving soon too. You said it all. No I won’t miss the nagging, reminding, disciplining or having to be the bad guy….but his smile, his laugh, his wit, his heart, his affection, the twinkle in his eye, and that “Hi, Mom!” I will miss terribly.
    Been through this once with Cori…but this is the final baby bird to fly…..thanks for saying it all so brilliantly!
    xxoxx

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  5. Thanks a lot for this article, I would certainly attach this website to my rss feed. A buddy basically informed me concerning this blog last week. This may be one of the greatest.

    Like

  6. Marlena's avatar Marlena

    Your eloquence is rivaled only by your insights on loss and grief, with respect to your son and your dad. You’re so very right that it will never be the same again. And, although, there are many, many wonderful, miraculous, spectacular things down the road; more graduations, achievements, visits home, weddings, grand-children, as one fabulous rocker once sung, “the first cut is the deepest”. There is no band-aid for your pain except time. I’m sure that boy will prove to amaze you and Pete time and time again.

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    1. Lorraine Devon Wilke's avatar LDW

      Marlena. A beautiful comment deeply appreciated. And you’ve offered some wise insight as well. It’s a universal journey, isn’t it? For us parents as well as for the ones who are leaving. Thank you for your very sweet thoughts about our boy.

      Like

  7. Suzanne Battaglia's avatar Suzanne Battaglia

    Lorrainie, I’ve been through every Capital Letter situation you’ve mentioned, and I have a Big Smile on my face! Thank you for the insightful and extremely right-on blog. xo

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  8. Susan M.'s avatar Susan M.

    How right you are about loss. It’s so lonely and individual, while still being so universal. Whether it’s a parent, a pet, the ENS rite of passage, loss is loss. I think your most meaningful advice is to not be afraid to talk about the person lost! That’s all the griever really has on their mind — not all those f***-ing platitudes. So I will forever treasure the memory of Dillon swimming for the first time in the apartment complex pool on Hillside Ave., with us watching from the patio above. And I think he’s cool partly because you are so, so cool. xo

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    1. Lorraine Devon Wilke's avatar LDW

      Susan…thank you. Beautifully, eloquently put. And thanks for the kind words about Dill…really means a lot.

      Like

  9. You’ve hit on every nail that I ever had in my wall. I don’t believe in syndromes, should’s, labels, or classification of my feelings and experiences in my life. I am a product of what I’ve been and I’m in the present as that’s all I have. I lost a similar roommate and was sad in one way, but thrilled in another. What an absurd comment is “get busy”. Are they kidding??? What do they think that we were doing for 18 years??? Production doesn’t come to a halt when they move out.

    I UNDERSTAND!

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    1. Lorraine Devon Wilke's avatar LDW

      Great comments…made me laugh, you’re so vigorous in your response! Love that you understand…it is a pretty universal topic, isn’t it?!

      Like

  10. I just want to post quick hello and want to say thanks for this good post. I digg and searching through the web for some kind of very useful like this, or at least a website. That covered what i looked into
    Thanks a lot.

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  12. Great info! I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

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  13. Yeah. I resonate so with this. It is good to read this now – and hear more
    about this amazing young man and his cool roommate,
    and my friend. Here’s to more adventures.

    Like

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  20. Unknown's avatar Fred Studence

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  25. Fantastic way of describing the subject. I’ll take this into consideration when time comes for me to deal with the same. Kudos for discussing this issue.

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  37. Lindsay's avatar Lindsay

    Then finally a very good blog post about the subject…lots of kids leaving home and lots of us dealing with it! Maintain the great work and I will look forward to seeing more from you in the longer term.

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