Empty Nest Pt. 1: My Very Cool Roommate Is Moving Out…

On By Lorraine Devon WilkeIn Latest Thoughts

motarboard toss

Mortarboards have been thrown, transcripts sent, dorm walls measured, orientation trips planned. All set. All good to go. Congrats on the success, good luck on the next chapter and, wo-hoo, we just couldn’t be prouder. It’s time to let go and launch the child and all I know is…my very cool roommate is moving out and I’m going to miss him.

There are various Rites of Passage we go through in life: Teething, Puberty, Anxious 30’s, Mid-Life (Crisis or Otherwise), Menopause (male & female), Damn 50’s, Really Old and, finally, Facing Death. They all have capital letters. And each comes with an unwrittenprincipal's award guide that gets us through the shoals with instruction and reassurance that whatever we’re thinking/feeling/experiencing is simply part of the phase, hang on, we’re all going through it, nothing to be afraid of.

For example, no matter what’s going on with a child during the pre-mastication era, no matter what symptoms or behaviors, no worries, it’s “Just Teething.” Fevering madly? Teething. Screaming for dear life? Teething. Eating dirt with enthusiasm? Teething. And Puberty? Every whine-fest, meltdown, door-slam, anxiety-attack, hair-flinging stomp out of the kitchen is ascribed to the unavoidable transition from childhood to hormones.  God forbid a real crisis is in bloom, we’re convinced it’s “Just Puberty.” A few decades later we follow with another version of the same…except with the added burden of being closer to Facing Death. That would be Menopause with all its sweaty, mood-swinging confusion.  Of course, there are also the phases of Marriage and Parenthood. Not everyone will go through these but most will and most who experience Parenthood will ultimately face the classic Rite of Passage known as Empty Nest Syndrome, ENS. Let’s pull that one out of the pack.

JgradIt’s a worthy topic this time of year when yet another fresh batch of graduating 18-year-olds and their beleaguered parents are faced with this unavoidable and monumental transition. It might be instructional to break it down. Because here’s the truth: like all other phases of life, all other Rites of Passage – whether teething, teening, or reluctantly senioring – None Of It Is the Same for All Of Us. No advice, no analysis, no remedy applies unanimously. We’re All Going Through Our Own Version. Of Everything. You may be gleefully booking your cruise for September or planning that first post-child remodel on the house, but I’m not. I’m dealing with the fact that I had a very cool roommate for 18 years and now he’s moving out.  And I’m going to miss him.

This may seem like a weird analogy, perhaps an overly morbid one, but there’s something here akin to How We Deal With Death. It’s no secret that everyone grieves differently and pretty much everyone struggles with how to talk to grieving folk. When my father died, I was struck by how off-putting I too often found the well-meaning person who’d ask how old he was (72) only to respond, “Well, at least he lived a nice long life.” My thought:  not really. 72 seems a tad young to me. And whatever, I don’t care if he was 97, he was still my father and he’s still dead and I’m still sad. Or when they’d hear he died in his sleep and would say, “Well, at least he died peacefully,” and I’d want to holler, “So what?? He died and I’m really sad and that comment doesn’t make me feel any better!” I learned by subjective experience that the only safe thing to say to a person suffering a loss is: “I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.” If you know the deceased, say something personal and authentic like: “Your Dad was a really great guy…I liked him a lot.” That sort of thing is always appreciated…too many people are afraid to actually talk about the person who died and the grieving party likes nothing better. But the point is, don’t say anything that smacks of generic, patronizing Guidebook Speak; it doesn’t help.

What, you may be thinking, does any of this have to do with Empty Nest Syndrome? A lot, actually. Because ENS is, quite simply, about loss. And like Death and all these other Rites of Passage, it’s completely and utterly unique for each person and requires a certain wisdom in response. May I suggest a few very subjective pointers?

1.  Don’t tell me “It’s his time to fly…you just have to let him go.” I already know that. Don’t insult my intelligence orLighthouse with Dillon imply inordinate neediness on my part by making the point. No one wants him to fly more than I do. Nor is anyone more aware that it’s time to let go. Just say, “Oh, honey, I understand…you’re going to miss him…it’ll get better.” That’s all that’s needed.

2.  Refrain from: “You’ll need to find some new things to focus on, to keep yourself busy and distracted after he leaves.” No, I don’t. I have plenty to do. I was busy and distracted while he was here and I’ve still got all my projects, work, husband, friends, hobbies, household tasks, creative endeavors, etc. He was hardly ever around anyway so it’s not about filling time. It’s just that I’m going to miss him. Ask me how he’s doing in college and come with me to a movie.

dill with headphones 001sm3. Try to avoid: “You’ll be surprised how nice it’ll be when you don’t have to do his laundry or look at his messy room anymore.” That’ll be surprising? I’ve been looking forward to that for years. But frankly, regardless of dirty clothes or the bomb site that is his room, I’ve always loved knowing he was down the hall, ready to wake up and make me laugh, help me with my website or talk to me about his girlfriend. If you know me, you’ll understand why I might be found napping on the well-made bed in his empty room every once in a while. Don’t call the shrink…it’s my own form of therapy.

4.  Don’t bother with: “But he’ll come home for breaks and summers, right?” We all know that once the family system embraces the Initial Departure, it’s never quite the same as Before They Left. We can’t pretend. We’ve all got to adjust, you can just say it.

5. And PLEASE, do not send articles from Psychology Today that analyze ENS and suggest therapy or herbs or calming pharmaceuticals. I’m not having a breakdown; my kid is just leaving home.

Rachell's cardParenthood is one of the few relationships that comes with planned obsolescence. We go into it fully knowing we’ve got to leap now and let go later. There’s no other such deal in life: we get married and the plan is till death do us part. It doesn’t always work out but that’s the idea…we aren’t typically required to give it up at a preordained time. Same with friends; we make a great friend and there is absolutely no reason to believe we can’t keep them through the dotage years. A loving pet is under our feet and in our beds until the very end.

But a child? We get them only for a while. We know that this one relationship, this special, amazing, unique and glorious relationship, is going to change and develop and transform every minute of every day and in about 18 years time, will naturally evolve away from us in a way that is inevitable and irreversible. It’s the Circle of Life, the Coming of Age, the Passing of the Mantle. It’s perfect and painful at the same time.

But know this: Most of us suffering from ENS need no advice. No drugs, no therapy, no words of wisdom. We know what is happening and we know it must happen. We’re proud of our children, proud of ourselves for our part in their success. We’re excited for the new adventures they’ll embrace and vicariously thrilled by their flight. We’re ready to welcome them back for the moments they’ll briefly return but have no delusion about keeping them forever in their cozy childhood rooms. We’re the ones gently, lovingly, pushing them out the door to their inevitable independence. We’re good parents and we know what we’re supposed to do.

Cambria shore 2006 007

But still…I had a very cool roommate for 18 years and now he’s moving out. And I’m really going to miss him.

To read the rest of the series (so far!):

• Empty Nest Pt 2: Empty ‘Next’ Syndrome…Coming Home
• Empty Nest Pt. 3: See You In November!
 •Empty Nest Pt. 4: He’s Leaving Home AGAIN… Bye Bye
• Empty Nest Pt. 5: It’s a Wrap… Well, Almost
• Empty Nest Pt. 6, the Final Chapter: With Keys In Hand, He Flies…

 

All photographs courtesy of Lorraine Devon Wilke 

LDW w glasses

Visit www.lorrainedevonwilke.com for details and links to LDW’s books, music, photography, and articles.

136 thoughts on “Empty Nest Pt. 1: My Very Cool Roommate Is Moving Out…”

  1. This is very moving work you have written for us. Some people need to know that these things can touch anyone. You have given me a better view now of this family event. Thank you.

    Like

    Reply

  6. Hey blog owner! I have a tiny request. I was just searching for some information on the topic and found this post. Some really awesome stuff you posted here, can I please share this post on my new website I’m workin on? It would be great :). I will check back again later to see what you answered. Thanks, Michael Hill .

    Like

    Reply
  8. Steve Z.

    Hey dude, Steve here… Keep ‘em coming… you are doing a great job with this blog, inspiring many newbies like me… can’t tell you how much I appreciate all you do! – Steve

    Like

    Reply

  11. Following searching Google I found your sites (including your personal site). I think both are great and I’m going to be coming back again to you and them in the long term. Thanks.

    Like

    Reply

  14. Hey, blog owner, I have a simple request. I was just googling for some info on the topic you wrote and found this blog. Some really cool stuff you shared here, can I please share this post on my new website I’m currently working on? Pretty please:) . I will check back again later to see what you answered. Thank you, Corey Hill.

    Like

    Reply
  15. LDW

    This story is my heart…the discussion of how to deal with a beloved child leaving home. So I deeply appreciate all the comments and feedback that came in on it. I may write a follow-up at some point (a few people have requested it!) so keep your eyes open. It seems worthy of some follow-up! I Thank you, all, for your readership and your time in coming back and leaving comments. Makes it all worthwhile! LDW

    Like

    Reply

  23. The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.

    Like

    Reply

  28. Pingback: yamzy

  29. I enjoyed this excellent short article intensely. You possess an awesome comprehension of this particular issue of which I have not previously enountered. You need to end up being acknowledged as an expert within this topic area for this. I will be returning on a regular basis for much more of your respective remarkable insights into this subject matter.

    Like

    Reply

  35. Greetings from Los angeles! I’m bored to tears at work so I decided to browse your website on my iphone during lunch break. I really like the info you provide here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home. I’m amazed at how fast your blog loaded on my cell phone .. I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyhow, fantastic site!

    Like

    Reply

  38. Pingback: Tweets that mention My Very Cool Roommate Is Moving Out… | Rock + Paper+ Music -- Topsy.com

  40. im constantly scurrying around the online world just about all of the time as a result I choose to read an awful lot, which is not normally a beneficial thing as several of the blogs I see are constructed of worthless waste copied from other websites a trillion times, on the other hand I have to compliment you because this website is certainly half decent and even delivers a lot of unique material, therefore thank you for smashing the fad of merely replicating other individual’s websites 🙂

    Like

    Reply

  41. I would like to say thanks for your efforts you have made in producing this blog post. I’m hoping for more great articles from you in the future also. Actually your inspiring writing abilities has encouraged me to start my own web site now. Actually the blogging is spreading its wings quickly. Your write up is a fine product of it.

    Like

    Reply
  47. Simia

    I love the expression “empty nest.” What a strange thing to go through, I know. Everyone needs to express there own opinion and feel free to hear others. Sometimes people make me feel like a helicopter Mom but I know I’m one of many. Keep it up 🙂

    Like

    Reply

  49. I don’t normally remark concerning weblogs similar to this, but in this circumstance I thought I would take this possiblity to say how much I appreciated your write-up on empty nest. Certainly helpful, furthermore nicely crafted – thanks for sharing it with us!

    Like

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Gravatar
WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s